What happened since 3 months when I started my sabbatical, exhausted mentally and emotionally from work and the latest unfortunate events of my life?
There was a start, a slow one with a lot of sleeping, a lot of trying to calm myself down and forget the anguish of having nothing “productive” to do in my life, there was a lot of fun and meeting new people, going out dancing and feeling alive again alternating with solitary times when I headached myself into figuring out my “future”. One month into it and I had already an idea of what I wanted for my life, I had already learned new things and realised important essential aspects of my life as if awakening from a long grey dream.
Now 3 months into it and chance has already winded its way through my life, forming it, transforming it, shaping it into another brighter, riskier, chancier and yet “aliver” one. Are you guessing already? Love got invited to the party. But let’s keep this for later.
After 3 months of intensely doing nothing “productive” and only enjoying life, friends, encounters, boyfriend and family, i feel my spirit coming back to my own core. It’s as if all the layers of political correctness, seriousness and business-like attitudes are being shaved off, one by one, letting finally the sun reach my personality core. I surprise myself thinking, doing, saying, laughing at things where I would have previously found it too extreme, not fully correct, too dreamy, too silly, too, too or not enough.
And so into Wonderland I go, that journey takes me to rediscovering myself, not what I want, what I can do, just who I am and be more in touch with that person. Not the socially acceptable one, not the businessy succesful one, not the one I am expected to me in any kind of socially framed situations, none of those. The one that is when at the baseline, at the stable core, is naturally existing.
And who is this? I guess I already knew but some traits are exacerbated while others fade away. Being in touch with who I am also helps me to listen to what I want, I suppose that is a good start to finding this out and setting about the path to reach this. It is wonderful, this feeling of freedom to feel, think and do what you are.
And so while I got reacquainted with who I am and my desires, I met this guy. How simple and incredibly moving can one experience of meeting a person be in your life. He brings his own life experience, his humour, his confidence into my heart and my life. My plans adapt and morphe into a shared project, step by step, quick ones by quick ones. I don’t think there was any time in my life when I was so free to do and be and so it seems that the freer you are, at least for myself, the more intense the feelings and the quicker they develop, unhindered by the material and social constraints the frame of the grey daily dream imposes.
So I’m learning how to be two again, how to be free, how to feel and be who I am as well as adapting and anckering my life project into the ground of reality. I am finally taking control of my life, and while I still bend fluidly to adapt to the environment and circumstances, I am getting progessively the confidence to voice my wishes out loud and concretely work towards a better, freer life in touch with my inner self.
Wonderland is a territory worth traveling, you never who you meet and what you will become!